Does That Loneliness Feeling Ever Go Away?

This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at JMU chapter and does not reflect the views of Her Campus.

“Does that loneliness feeling ever go away?”

One of my friends asked me that question, haltingly, like he was almost worried about it. As a sophomore transfer student, finding a place at school was proving difficult for him. I had spoken openly about how I had been struggling to find a community here, so I guess he felt like I was an authority on the subject.      

I sat there, a little stunned to be honest. He had just voiced what I had been wondering for so long with such clarity that I was taken aback. Staring at him for a moment, I then proceeded to blabber on some nonsense. Thankfully, I think quickly on my feet and I can only hope what I said made some semblance of sense. I don’t even quite remember what I said, but I know it was empty words just spilling out. 

It was such a brutally honest question. One that had been rolling around in my mind for so long.

In my freshman year, I often felt that I was ‘doing college wrong,’ a feeling that I’m sure many share. I was never in a large group laughing on the quad or going out every weekend, a lot of which was a personal choice (I’m not a huge party person), but some of it was also the inescapable feeling of not having a place. 

I felt like I was missing out on that quintessential ‘college experience.’ Where was my diverse group of friends playing frisbee on the quad?

Loneliness followed me all through freshman year, hand firmly on my shoulder, as I tried to excel in classes and ignore the lingering want for more. I spent my time studying for the most part, with the occasional adventure with my roommate. The first year came and went. I was still solitary. Still waiting to find my people. 

Towards the end of the year, I came across someone’s TikTok about learning to do things on your own as an adult. It was simple stuff, like going out to eat, and harder stuff, like taking a karate class with no previous knowledge. I laughed, thinking it was silly, and scrolled past without another thought. Why would anyone need to learn that? 

But this thought stuck around. The TikTok lingered in my mind. I had never thought of adulthood as a solitary endeavor, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. You can’t be with someone every step of the way. I started to change my thinking to instead think about how learning to do things on my own was a part of becoming an adult. It didn’t need to be such a bad thing.

The feeling of loneliness could be a tool – a way for us to learn to be capable without someone to lean on. We cannot have someone to hold onto forever, especially in adulthood, and learning to go to D-Hall on your own or study alone at Rose Library is important. It lends itself to adulthood tasks: going to the store or working on your own. 

Now, humans are social creatures. We thrive on the comfort of community and the strength of others. However, we are also individualists. We strive to be set apart from others and seen as strong and self-sufficient. 

I think there is a mix to be had: both solitude and solidarity. Exploring the solitary moments of your life is a hidden skill. Learning to be comfortable with yourself is essential.

So don’t worry. Don’t worry about ‘doing college wrong.’ It doesn’t really exist. There is already enough stress involved in these four years without the excess worry about doing college the ‘correct’ way. If you’re alone, that’s okay. Seek it out. Remember that solitude isn’t failure — it’s space to grow.

Be patient. The right people will come. So, don’t be scared if you haven’t found your space or your people. They’ll come eventually. Focus on being your own anchor, your own true north, and everything will work out.

In between finding your people, be okay being on your own. Find things that make you happy. Start a new TV show (I have plenty of recommendations) or find a new hobby (diamond art has become a favorite). Spend time learning to exist in your own bubble. Enjoy your own company and embrace your own solitude.

I want to tell my friend that the loneliness might stick around for a while, but it’s not the end of the world. It’s not necessarily a negative thing. It becomes a softer thing, something to quietly exist as you grow into who you are as an individual. When the right people come along — and they will — you’ll welcome them without losing yourself. Everyone’s path is their own, and feeling confident in your ability to walk that is essential to feeling fulfilled.