Engaging in Civil Disagreement

This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at BU chapter and does not reflect the views of Her Campus.

Disagreements are inevitable.

One of the beauties of humanity is that we are all individually wired — shaped by unique experiences, values, and perspectives. Of course, there cannot be “perfect” alignment in relationships, because thinking and understanding are subject to the person. Using this foundation, it is easy to expand into specific scenarios.

In light of current events and gaining perspective on a destructive pattern, it appears civil disagreement is one of society’s most prominent weaknesses. College gives us the chance to practice civil disagreement every day — in discussions that challenge not just what we think, but why we think it.

It is too easy and common to overlook the “why” behind individual thoughts and actions. The values that direct choice are subconscious unless you bring them into the light. As Simon Sinek stated in Start with Why, the greatest leaders start with their “why.” They express their values up front, allowing many people to resonate with their mission from the very beginning. If you start with why you believe something, you’ll be surprised how it connects people who seem completely different.

Imagine you disagree with your friend about waking up early. You prefer to sleep in, while they wake up at five in the morning. After sharing why you follow these habits, you both realize you value the same thing: having quiet time. While the methods are different, the motivation for peace and solitude is the same. Starting with the “why” can create common ground even if the conclusions look nothing alike.

Judgment is the most threatening factor to civil disagreement. It stops conversation before it even begins. With the intent to prove someone wrong, you are incapable of truly listening and understanding. Fueled by assumptions, it can lead you to pounce on flaws and base one’s entire character on a single opinion. 

To engage in civil disagreement, curiosity must replace judgment. Ask, “Why do you think that?” rather than, “How could you think that?” The tone shifts from demanding agreement to deepening understanding. Being empathetic allows you to learn, change your perspective, and strengthen connections.

True understanding also requires separating identity from opinion. When someone questions your beliefs, it can feel like a personal attack. The urge to defend yourself is instinctive, but it often clouds the purpose of genuine dialogue. Removing ego begins with accepting that being wrong doesn’t make you any lesser—it shows you’re capable of reflection and change. It’s about valuing honesty more than pride, and learning instead of winning. 

When conversation is no longer viewed as competition, it becomes an opportunity for clarity and connection. Letting go of the “my way or the highway” mindset creates room for more than one truth to exist. For someone like me — who tends to hold tight to control — this is difficult, but the respect that remains makes it worth it.

Disagreement is inevitable, but division is not. Understanding begins when you choose curiosity over certainty, humility over pride, and empathy over judgment. When you start with “why” and let go of the need to be right, you move closer to honest conversation and lasting respect.

In the end, connection matters more than being right.

Want to keep up with HCBU? Make sure to like us on Facebook, follow us on Instagram, check out our Pinterest board, watch us on TikTok, and read our latest Tweets!