Lit With Liz: Can We Ever Be Truly Satisfied?

This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Bowling Green chapter and does not reflect the views of Her Campus.

Ingredients for the perfect reading day

Location: the shores of Lake Michigan|

Weather: Sunny with a nice breeze

Book: Enigma Variations by Andre Aicman

Enigma Variations is a series of vignettes, following our main character, Paul, in his life of overlapping romantic entanglements. We first meet Paul as “Paulo”: twelve, in his family’s Italian summer home, and infatuated with a carpenter his father hired. We then follow him up until his very late years, and his flirtations with a scandalously young writer. It is in these vignettes that Aicman explores love, lust, and longing, and the many cravings. Aicman understands that there is not a single desire that drives a relationship; Paul falls for intellectual stimulation, physical intimacy, routine, mutual destruction and understanding, the mundane habits of a stranger, and rarely, but sometimes, chooses the easiest option. 

So I waited. And then I got used to waiting. Eventually, waiting was more real than what we had.

Enjoying this novel does not mean that I condone the actions of these characters, who engage in, at the very minimum, intense and prolonged emotional infidelity. I don’t think I like Paul, but I do sympathize with him. No one wants to admit to themselves that their partner doesn’t meet all of their needs. Paul is a recreation of that very human experience— though a pessimistic one, (and ungodly pretentious) and I would probably hate him if I knew him in real life. But I can’t stop thinking about him, and feeling sorry for him. Sharing headspace with him, I even wanted Paul to 

Reading this novel and witnessing the different types of people that Paul was drawn to, the way that he could be so content in a relationship and yet find someone else who offered him something different– and equally as appealing, reminded me of a quote from C.S. Lewis. “In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can bring out.” While Lewis seems more optimistic, and in the full quote appreciates the other relationships that his friends get to have, Paul (and perhaps Aicman) seem dissatisfied that a single partner cannot provide everything for him. I believe that it is this reluctance that leads to Paul’s “downfall.”

Ultimately, there is the issue of secure identity. Paul fears stagnation because he lacks a stable sense of self. His life and experiences revolve around his romantic partners.  Some of Paul’s lovers accept him as he is, insatiable as he may be. But try as he might to achieve whatever abstract idea of a perfect life exists in his head, he ultimately destroys the happy relationships he already has in that pursuit. I fear at the end of the novel, Paul ultimately settles into dissatisfaction, and in turning to the final page, I was crushed by a level of devastation that I couldn’t identify the root cause of. Upon reflection, I think that this novel targeted one of my worst fears: Is there a choice that I could have made that could have made me happier than I am now? 

Enigma Variations is a book that I will think about for a long time. I enjoy considering the moral gray areas of Paul and his group of friends, the attitudes of his partners and ex’s, and why he ends up where he does. And I’ll probably be worried about ending up just like him.