Voices: Should you ever date a smoker if you can’t bear the habit?

Dear Vix,

I’ve just met someone amazing (online). We have loads in common and the chat is sparky; I find him interesting and want to know much more about him – plus...

But, there’s a snag:smoking ban in public places, now. I just wish they’d ban fags completely from public spaces, parks – even pub beer gardens.

As you can tell, I really have a thing about smoking! In fact, I’d say it’s a dealbreaker. But now my “dream date” comes along – and he smokes!

My question is: am I an idiot for not giving him a chance for this one, simple reason? Is it enough of a dealbreaker to sack him off before the relationship has even begun? I’ll admit that it feels like my fault – after all, I swiped right on him, despite seeing he’d said “yes” to smoking in his profile – but now that we’ve actually met, I’m so gutted about it. On our first date we kissed, but I could taste cigarettes. I’m so frustrated! Other than this, he’s perfect!

Is it okay to hope he changes and kicks the habit? Or should I kick him – to the curb?

Non Smoker

Dear Non Smoker,

Is he “perfect”, though? He doesn’t sound very “perfect” – for you, specifically. Tell me: why did you swipe “yes” to him online, knowing that he smoked, when it’s clearly such an issue for you? Do I detect a subtle hint of self-sabotage?

Sometimes, we can tell ourselves that we are “ready” for dating; that we are “all in”, then blame other people for being the problem – for our failure to find love and happiness. We eye-roll the dearth of available matches... lament the fact that dating is “hell”; join in with a plethora of “red flag” rhetoric online.

On Instagram, it feels like you only have to scroll for a second to find someone bemoaning the fact that every single man is “toxic” or “a narcissist”; or nodding along to the fact that women seem to be taking themselves out of the dating pool, because everyone is “horrific”. But I simply don’t think that is true.

Sure, some people behave abominably on datings apps – as well as in real life. Apps do seem to have a unique knack for giving people an easy way to absolve themselves from responsibility, from treating people decently. It’s easier to “ghost” someone rather than have a simple conversation that would save them from heartache – far simpler to “unmatch” and disappear, than give a date closure by telling them you’re just looking for something different.

I’m straying slightly off topic, I realise, but what I do find interesting is that with innumerable matches at your fingertips, you’ve said “yes” to someone whose behaviour – and he’s been very upfront about the fact he is a smoker, as is his right – offends you. So much so, in fact, that it’s a “dealbreaker”.

So, I’d ask you to ask yourself: are you looking to be offended? Are you, perhaps, protecting yourself from the very real possibility of finding someone you are interested in, someone to risk having a real relationship with, by choosing someone with an in-built “eject” button – on purpose?

You have a ready-made excuse to blow up this relationship, now, at any time. If things feel too real, you can say, “sorry, I don’t want to date a smoker”. Unfortunately, you’ve trapped yourself – because you like him. That was always a risk. And sure, you can hope he likes you enough to give up the fags – but that’s his choice. Not yours.

You can only choose, now, to stick or twist. To date him anyway – knowing that he has a habit you do not like or agree with; knowing he might never change or even want to – or to do what I suspect you had in mind in the first place: to end the connection, before you put too much of yourself out there.

I don’t think the question you’re asking me is as simple as whether you should “date a smoker”. If you really didn’t want to date a smoker, you would have said “no” and swiped left to begin with. It’s perfectly OK not to date someone whose lifestyle or habits are incompatible with yours. If you didn’t drink, you probably wouldn’t choose to date a heavy drinker; if you want kids you wouldn’t match with someone who says they don’t. You’d see them off from the get-go.

I think you’re looking for an excuse. And I think the real question you should be asking yourself is: “Am I really ready for a relationship?”

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