A Personal Recovery Story: From Agoraphobia to Astrophotography

When I was in elementary school, we took annual trips to the local planetarium. One year, the operator showed us what the night sky would look like if we turned off all the lights – the shopping malls, streetlights, schools, and even the McDonald’s. When everything went dark, the ceiling was absolutely filled with stars. Growing up in the New York metro area with all its light pollution, I had never seen anything like it. That day, I thought to myself, “I have to go somewhere where I can see this for real.”

That was decades ago. Last week, I finally made it happen.

I drove seven hours from Long Island to Potter County, Pennsylvania – to an international dark sky site near Cherry Springs State Park. For someone who once couldn’t drive 60 seconds down the block without having a panic attack and wanting to run home, this was significant. I went into the middle of nowhere, with no cell phone service, to see what the actual night sky looks like.

It was pretty much everything I had hoped it would be. Freakin awesome.

The night sky is absolutely full of stars. There are no empty places. You can see the Milky Way stretching across the sky. I can see now why it’s often called “The Backbone of Night”. It was astounding – something I had waited many many years to experience.

Here’s what strikes me most about this story: when I was really struggling with anxiety, I never would have thought this was possible. The idea of being in a remote location, far from help, with no easy escape route, would have been terrifying. I was so afraid of my own body, mind, and emotions that I was convinced that I would need rescuing at any moment. Going to a place like that was a total no go in those days.

I used to ask. myself, “Am I OK?” all the time.

Recovery wasn’t learning that the answer was always “yes”.  Recovery was ultimately learning that I never had to ask the question to begin with!  It’s a question that your anxious mind will insist you keep asking, but it was never the right question.

What does being recovered look like? It looks like being able to do something you’ve wanted to do since childhood without ever once thinking, “What if I get anxious?” I never asked myself how I was feeling or whether I’d be okay. I just got in the car and went, because I could.

If you’re struggling right now and afraid you’ll never get better or never be able to do the things you really want to do, I’m here to tell you there’s a really good chance you’re as wrong as I was. I used to think recovery was impossible too. But I opened myself to the possibility that following my fear – as powerful and real as it felt – probably wasn’t a good idea. Once I started doing things differently, things began to slowly change.

People do get better. I’m one of them. Maybe you just needed to hear this story today to help you take a step forward.

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