My six-year-old son is in the other kayak. His skinny arms strain; sweat sticks his curls to his forehead in one spot. He turns his head back to see where I am, and a grin flashes over his whole face. Then his enormous brown eyes go serious, and the long lashes flick down to the water again.

I have told him that he must lead the way; he must lead his mother around the point to the west side of the campsite. His whole body is wriggling with the joy of playacting the mantle of leadership.

“Mom, watch out for that log!” he calls out. His voice is warm with the joy of having something to warn me about.

Men-in-Process

When we are claimed by Christ, we suddenly find ourselves with a new, perfect Brother — and a great many other brothers who are not perfect. Like my son in the next kayak, these men are all men-in-process. As men, God calls them to specifically masculine forms of initiative, protection, and construction (Genesis 2:15–19; Ephesians 5:25–33). When all systems are working well, men are born with a craving for challenge. They see hard work and skill as a path to respect, which they deeply desire.

When I was a young girl, my father was the template for masculinity. His kind authority, curiosity about the world, and handiness set the bar. Later, I looked around me and noticed that there were not just men but boys whom I watched with wonder and awe. Why did they seem so eager to engage new ideas, to explore unbroken terrain, and so interested in putting things together, in making them work? Why did they appear so intent on competing with one another and on being friends after the challenge had ended? I made notes in my mind like an anthropologist.

“Train your eyes to spot more of the excellent in men.”

But as I grew older, I grew to see the dark underside of masculinity as well. Initiative can turn to lascivious grasping. Strength can be used for brutality instead of protection. Construction can get flipped into the “off” position, leaving passivity, foolishness, and lazy self-indulgence in its wake.

Now, as a Christian woman with some years under my belt, I am more aware than ever of the blessing of godly masculinity and the tragedy of failed masculinity. And I am more aware than ever of the power women have to encourage and affirm the masculine.

Woman Among Brothers

A woman’s unique ability to call out the masculine overlaps with Paul’s command to all believers in Philippians 4:8:

Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

We are to be connoisseurs, bright and optimistic, looking for good things to think about in God’s world. We train our minds to be noticers of the lovely and commendable: A boy leading his sister across the street. A man holding the door for you. Your husband mowing the lawn. Your pastor preaching an excellent sermon. By thinking about “these things,” you train your eyes to spot more of the excellent in men — like hunting for a certain wildflower in the woods, which, upon finding once, you suddenly see everywhere.

Beyond just spotting good things, we have good reason also to speak of them. “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person,” says Colossians 4:6. If we are to speak graciously to unbelievers, how much more to fellow men and women in the family of God? “As we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith” (Galatians 6:10).

We should be the sort of women who see and praise all sorts of people, men and women both, old and young. And then we can go a step further, developing the special gift of the feminine to encourage and adorn the masculine.

How to Encourage a Man-in-Process

There are many ways to be a warm sounding board to men-in-process we encounter. Of course, the responsibility looks different depending on the man. It shifts as we move through the circles of intimacy in our lives.

“Pray for the men in your life, praise the excellent in them, and let the teaching of kindness rest on your tongue.”

Our husbands are in the first tier. Our sons and fathers are in the next tier. Further out, we find fellow members of our local church, brothers, brothers-in-law, uncles, cousins, nephews, our teachers and students and bosses and coworkers. Strangers on the street or in the restaurant. The man who drives our Uber. We are called to love each of these men and to encourage them on their way, to direct their gaze, whenever possible, to the calling they have been given as sons of Adam. Love, we know, “hopes all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7).

Certainly, we are not responsible to them in the same ways. For example, I am called to take special ownership of my husband’s body (1 Corinthians 7:4), which means I interact with him quite differently from any other person alive. I am called to submit to his authority (Ephesians 5:21–24), to maintain his household (Proverbs 31; Titus 2:5), to love and help to raise our children (Titus 2:4), and to pay especially close attention to the way I speak to him (1 Peter 3:1–6).

Lately, I’ve learned that this means letting him make decisions without adding “helpful” suggestions when they aren’t specifically requested. I’ve learned it means saying little or nothing about his innocent mistakes. It means praising and thanking him more than anyone else in my life. Like water, it helps to produce fruit in his life — more strength, cheer, and courage.

With my son, I speak to him with respect and try to leave small spaces for a training-wheels version of initiative. I ask him to open a door for me, to pick up something I call “heavy,” or to pray over a meal. These are not acts of submission to my son. They are acts of mimed respect, to tease out and encourage his young and fragile sense of masculinity.

For the men in your life to whom you are not directly responsible, you can still demonstrate respect and affirm, even draw out, the good things God is doing through them by interacting with them in a feminine way. Seek out and accept help when appropriate. Ask for advice or information that you know particular men can offer. Say, “Thank you,” with a smile.

Pray for the men in your life, praise the excellent in them, and let the teaching of kindness rest on your tongue at all times. Through your feminine efforts, you can create the kind of atmosphere that makes their masculine effort worthwhile in this world.